And 4 years later…

She remembered that around 4 years ago, she was looking at him (and ‘then-girfriend’ her) from afar and thought, ‘Gosh, she’s lucky’.

And now there he was, doing the exact same thing right in front of her, perhaps in a totally different context and setting, but nevertheless to the same effect.

With that, she thought, maybe life’s still good. If not now, maybe 4 years down the line. Just hold on a little while longer.

And she could still say, gosh, she’s lucky. She, as in herself.

Filed under: Rant

Slowly, then all at once

They always talk of the beauty of falling in love, but never the struggles of falling out of love. 

Filed under: Rant

That your intended isn’t me

Maybe as part of the healing process, I need to forgive myself too. For believing for a second that it could be something. 

It is myself that I need to make peace with. It is myself that I need to forgive. That sometimes you misjudged people’s words and actions. That sometimes what someone did or said to you meant different things to you than what he intended.

That you will never know whether he really was oblivious to the pain he was causing you. That he was maybe genuinely thought he was being a good friend. That maybe he was trying to change himself.

But all that didn’t matter.

It’s time to forgive yourself. You can’t blame him forever.

And what good would it do even if he said he knew what he was doing? Would his words heal those wounds? Pick up your self-esteem back up again and be whole in an instant? Would his words make it any easier?

This is your part now. To forgive yourself. To make peace with yourself. To console yourself.  

That it is okay to make mistakes. Sometimes, you misjudged and you ended up breaking your own heart.

But it’s okay. It will be okay.

Forgive.  

Filed under: Rant, Moving forward; reflection

The one truly faithful.

Some days are better than others. Some days are worse than others. And on those days, you will questions things. About things that are not happening to you. Blindsided by the rave, forgetting that the road is long. That each story is different.

On the worse days, you struggle with nothingness. You seek what is not yet meant for you. You know all too well that the road is long. And that you’re still on a long journey to some wonderful destination. You may not know where you’re going, but you’ve made it halfway. And it’s not too bad. You will get there someday. Enjoy your time along the way. Hold on. Cling on to that faith – you will get there someday. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be. Fret not. And you will get there someday. And even if you don’t, it’s not the be all, end all to everything.  

Filed under: Rant

There’s no I in we

Because there is no we in the first place. 

—

How am I supposed to heal? I’m stumbling, carrying the pieces of my own left shattered on the floor. Yet at the same time, I’m supposed to console you, coddle you? 

For reality is harsh and never cease just to let you take a breath. Reality sometimes mean facing the person who destroyed it all while you are still fumbling your way through. Because reality is never easy. You only go on. And onwards.

 

 

 

Filed under: Rant, onwards

What would you say?

I cannot confidently say that I know why these things happen in the first place. Or that I’ve seen the scant light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t.

It might just be a long tunnel. And I just have to keep moving. Walking, crawling whatever it takes to get there. Slowly, but surely. To the promised light at the end of this all. An end to this darkness. 

Filed under: Rant

.

It was during those synchronised laughs after a long-winding conversation, that I wonder “why not me?”

And I know all too well the answer to that.

Yet, the heart still wonders. 

Filed under: Rant

How big is your heart?

I once wondered when I was young, how people are capable of loving so many people at once. Surely, there’s a limit to how much love your heart can contain. I wondered what would happen if you love too many people, would your heart simply burst? Or would you just stop loving?

Then I grew older and as I met a lot of new people, I realise that the heart is a bottomless pit, churning out love as you please. 

The figuratively-speaking heart and love is a positive feedback reaction. As you met and love new people, the heart grows with it. Making space for the new ones while keeping the old ones intact. This figuratively-speaking heart can be shredded to bits, yet still capable of loving simultaneously. Maybe to two different individuals, or maybe to the same entity.

It can love infinitely. Yet it picks and choose whom it loves and how it loves. It doesn’t love just because. And it doesn’t simply cease to love those who tore it pieces.

 

It can take a lot of beating before it ceases to love that one person, even then the remnants remain. Maybe the feelings are gone, but not without leaving a little dent on your heart.  

 

— 

Maybe heartbreaks are supposed to teach you a lesson on love and happy ending.

That it isn’t necessarily supposed to be romantic or boy-meets-girl kind of thing.

That love takes all kinds of forms. And you need to be acquainted with all kinds of love, the unexpected kind you find from strangers to others or the ones you give yourself. Or the ones that have been there all along. But all this isn’t necessarily romantic and it doesn’t need to be. 

It’s not the kind of love that makes you flutter or skip a beat. Not the ones that send your hormones on rampant across your body. 

But the kind that gives you comfort of home. The kind that gives you shelter against the raging storm. The kind that does so through action and words. 

—

 

Filed under: Rant, Reflections; Moving forward

Clean slate

It’s like, you don’t know where to begin. It’s like you walk into the room and see everything shattered, crushed, torn and shredded to million tiny pieces. It’s like… how do you begin?

 

Filed under: Rant

This is a marathon.

This is supposed to serve a purpose – as a lesson to myself.

It’s funny that I need that reassurance countless times. That I am doing the right thing. That I am not in the wrong here. That I am not the bad guy here. That this is the right thing. That I should get out of that hole as soon as I can, before it gets too deep. 

Countless phone calls, texts, whine asking for reassurance. Am I doing the right thing? Remind me again why I’m doing this? And they will tell me the same thing over and over again. Yes, I am doing the right thing. The most telling signs, that this is indeed, the right thing is that it didn’t bother him enough to ask why or find out what’s happening. If it really means something to him, he would ask, he would find out. But he didn’t.

He didn’t. 

There is no guilt here. I am not the bad guy here. I am doing the right thing. I am. However difficult it is doing the right thing.  

Filed under: Rant, Feelings, Moving forward, Reflections